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   A Murphy's Law Magazine Exclusive  

   More often than not, Murphy's Law Magazine is the prototype of a literary filibuster. We yammer away about things most people would rather not read; you know, the stuff that causes people to think, to question, and sometimes...to care. Here are some enlightening facts that advertisers often overlook:

   1. 43% of all Americans prefer paper towels over toilet paper. 
   2. Aksarben, the thoroughbred racetrack in Nebraska, is actually Nebraska spelled backwards.
   3. Asthma is your mother's fault - think about it...as the Ma.'
   4. A new housing boom is expected. NASA is soon to become Tweddy's Intergalactic Casketetorium, which will undoubtedly create more space on earth for condominiums and more earth in space. At this juncture, no one can predict the response from intelligent life on Rigel 7. They may not appreciate the influx of caskets...unless, of course, we send along a hefty supply of Quarter Pounders. 
   5. How is it possible that the tabloids are questionning George Bush's virility. He was incredibly prolific with Americans for eight years.
   6. Coincidentally, a poll of American proctologists revealed that nearly 90% of all Americans suffer from hemorrhoids.
   7. Can you imagine depositing corn into your bank account? Before it became the now defunct Chemical Bank, it was known as the Chemical Corn Exchange. 
   8. Barry Manilow is still considered by many as the most dangerous man in America.
   9. Recent studies show that Michael Jackson is still dead.
 10. 3" x 11" ads are available in Murhy's Law for the most popular price in America - $29.95.
 
ANNOUNCEMENT:
Murhy's Law Magazine
has a new 
e-mail address.
wlinvasor...residing at gee! Mail?
 
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Murphy's Law Magazine - Sampler

Monday, October 26, 2009
 
Murphy's Law Examined  
by William Levine, Executive Editor
 

   Murphy's Law has been around for a long time, probably as long as the universe itself. As far as I can tell, no one knows for certain when it originated, nor does anyone know who coined the phrase...if you believe that it is merely a phrase. I do not. Murphy's Law is real. But questions about its origin are relatively insignificant. From a writer’s standpoint, where would we be without it? If nothing goes wrong, all of us would be writing children’s books.

   The law is simple and straightforward - anything that can go wrong will. The word "anything" implies infinite latitude and supersedes cause and effect. In other words, an action (of any kind) is not required to put the law into effect. Plainly stated, anything that we perceive, whether it be something as mundane as the weather or as complex as the study of quantum physics will eventually blow up in our faces, though the concept of "going wrong" can be so subtle that we may not notice it.

   As is the case with many laws, there is an amendment to Murphy's Law.

   Anything That Does Go Wrong Will Get Worse.

   From a journalistic perspective, it means that any story we think is tight is really only the tip of the iceberg - the real deal is always more complex than we imagined. If there is a reason for our success as journalists, it is this, and we follow it like a dog sniffing out a buried bone. In some ways It seems magical - we are always a step ahead, projecting the worst case scenario and working backwards to find the hidden facts. Perhaps that is the reason why our news is consistently more detailed and often quite different than news reported by our competitors. Again, Murphy’s Law is at work - some of our best scoops turn into stories that have a bizarre angle; frequently a problem for us simply because readers are accustomed to the dry and predictable reporting that dominates print media.

   Our Managing Editor, Mitch Lloyd, has a take on Murphy’s that depresses me, even though I know he is right. Mitch is technologically oriented and frequently I react to his reasoning because it brings me into his territory - quantum theory. I scored a 29 on my 11th grade state math examination, a surefire sign that I will never comprehend anything “quantum.” I listen anyway, but never on the job. Multi-tasking is not my strong point - thinking and listening at the same time is much too confusing and often activates Murphy’s in ways that have profoundly disastrous effects on our ability to produce this publication. I’ll give you an example. 
   Mitch cornered me at the coffee machine recently. Everything about his expression and posture told me he was going quantum again - I considered running from him but the last time I did that my coffee found the floor in a hurry. So I listened.
   “If in fact the laws governing the creation and continuance of our universe are contingent on the concept of infinite space and time,” he says authoritatively, “Murphy’s Law applies to everything simultaneously. Something is always wrong, or in the process of going wrong, and will continue to go wrong...forever.” How could I possibly disagree. Our header that week read “Martha’s Raw.” Our publisher, John Forbes, called - I could hear Tina as I ran to the bathroom.
   “I’m sorry Mr. Forbes, he just left...yes...uh huh...yes...alright, I’ll be sure to tell him.“ Murphy punched the afterburners. "The Cat in the Hat" is the best example I can think of to describe the story of my life that week. Things were going wrong everywhere and getting worse with the turn of each page. Hope was my only possible salvation - my world was at the mercy of this literary nightmare that should carry an "R" rating. I would never allow my child to read this book. I hear that prisoners at Abu Ghraib were forced to read it and some asked for waterboarding to avoid it.
   What did I learn from my experience? In the end it does not matter how we perceive Murphy’s Law, as long as we accept it as truth. The only thing I can tell you with any certainty today is that something will go wrong and...given time, whatever it is will get worse. A lot worse.
   With that in mind, I welcome you to our inaugural issue of Murphy’s Law. We think you will enjoy our unique blend of journalistic reporting and outrageous satire, with a sprinkling of human interest fiction - stuff that will touch you because humanity has infinite faces and most of us recognize all of them - they elicit thought and sometimes emotions we tend to avoid for fear that we may come face to face with all of the feelings and flaws that cause us to laugh and sometimes to cry but always make us beautifully human.
 
William Levine
Executive Editor
============
 
   Nature Does a Tap Dance on “Green” 
   by ML Smith
   
   My fear of nature is born of awareness that the human race has no respect for it. That is a frightening fact, when you consider that nature is easily the most destructive force on earth. But I have even greater fear of people that think they understand it and like to tinker with its idiosyncrasies. Naturalists scare me the most. They are uniformly bogus in their exploitation of the media, showing us how they are saving the planet. Fashion is all the difference for these environmental hypocrites, and I must say they look like the real thing in their khaki shorts, stylish safari hats, designer boots and black socks that give them an air of scientific eccentricity.
   Naturalists claim to have a profound respect for the environment, as anyone can see in the pleasure they take digging for beetles, bounding through the woods in relentless pursuit of the silver winged monarch, which they torture and kill for their prized collections. Their deep appreciation of wildlife is evident as they torment sleepy owls who do not wish to pose for photographs at 3:00 am. Never satisfied with wildlife either, they invariably find ways to foist themselves upon local inhabitants, who find it necessary to bring out their collections of human skulls to get these nature boys to leave.
   Camera crews document every scripted move of these made for TV adventurers. Personally, I don’t know why they ever come out of their air conditioned trailers. I guess I’m just a wimp when it comes to the outdoors.
   There are also quite a few magazines that glorify these brave men of the bush who do not share my cowardice. They all seem to have names like Thornhill, Williamson and Hammertoe, and they write brilliantly about things like the mating habits of the palmetto beetle, which people of the southeastern part of the country know better as a giant cockroach bigger than your grandmother’s orthopedic shoes. Photographs of dragonflies that dwarf Bell helicopters are intriguing, but I would avoid them unless the seating was extremely comfortable.
   Of course, all of these naturalists claim to be part of the “green movement.” This growing environmental awareness movement is well meant for the most part, but its propensity for conferences where environmentalist quacks bask in the limelight is unfortunate. The “green movement” raises millions of dollars at rock concerts and other promotional events, but that money is like a pea on the plate of a starving man. It is clearly not enough to buy nature’s forgiveness for what we have done to the planet.

   I love the new catch phrase “think green.” How nice. While we are thinking global warming away, the naturalists are “thinking green” as they pollute faraway places with their oil burning Land Rovers, litter pristine rain forests with trails of soiled toilet paper and then return home to drive their Lincoln Navigators through the countryside. So you see, from my perspective, the “green movement” is a sham - a cheap substitute for the massive resources needed to reverse the damage to an eco-system that is in grave danger of collapse.

   Is there any reason why we should not fear nature? We would be complete morons not to fear something that powerful. If it ever comes down to it, nature will do a tap dance on the Green Movement and its puny efforts to save the planet. 
   Nature can be all things at once. On any given day, it can be the lovely garden in front of your house or the tornado that hurls that house into the next county. In our thoughtless plundering of the environment to acquire “more” we have slapped nature in the face too many times. We continue to trample on nature’s possessions as if they belonged to us. It is not difficult to imagine nature enraged when we murder its forests to make room for condominiums.
   Well, now It is payback time, and I am afraid to say that I do not see the Green Movement having any impact on the accelerating erosion of polar ice caps, the increasing frequency of natural disasters, depletion of ozone in our atmosphere or extinction of plant and animal life vital to the equilibrium of the environment.

   Can we save ourselves? We seem to be content to watch, in a collective stupor, as our civilization teeters on the brink of catastrophe. Are we fools? All the “green” people and beetle digging naturalists in the world cannot save us from our own stupidity. We do not need men in khaki shorts chasing butterflies. What we do need is all of the resources we can muster to throw at this threat to our future. 
   The Green Movement is nothing more than a pathetic attempt to apologize to nature and offer up insignificant sacrifices to appease it before it destroys us all. We have caused nature to become very angry, and bad things tend to happen whenever anger of any kind is not resolved. In this case, we are talking about unbridled rage. I have never seen a tsunami firsthand, but I comprehend enough to know that it is just one enraged response to the basic human condition that is characterized by selfishness, greed and the obsession with immediate gratification.
   
   Staring down the barrel of nature’s ultimate response to the trashing of this miraculous planet, I do not feel too confident about any of the rhetoric that is floated by people who claim to have the answers. I guess I would have to say that I am sickened by it because I know that in all truth, words alone will kill us.
   I am haunted by a question that causes me great pain to ask. Will our grandchildren and great grandchildren live to see the beauty of a forest? 
=====================



Murhpy's Law Magazine

We hope you enjoy this sample issue of Murphy's Law Magazine. "Murphy's" is a weekly publication that you can purchase for a paltry $1.00 every Tuesday at your local smoke shop, grocery store or just about anywhere that magazines are sold. As the Managing Editor, I should tell you that I'm tight with Murphy, a skinflint by nature. In his infinite wisdom, however, Murphy agreed to make his magazine available by subscription for an annual price of $29.00. That is half the regular price and get this - WE BILL. You can choose to pay the lump sum annually or pay monthly at the staggering price of $2.49. 

Interested?   
Follow the road with no speed traps to wlinvasor, who lives at gmail.com
Type "Murphy" in the Subject box and your name, address and preferences in the body.
You may choose either postal or electronic delivery. We will bill you - keep in mind that payments
must be checks or money orders...sorry, no credit cards. (Besides, who wants to be told "Pay, Pal?")   
 
 
 
 
 
 
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Patriotism is Not the Issue

The Conservative Voice Needs a Make-Over

Dear Mr. Jones,

As a liberal, aren't you ashamed of your un-American and Godless views? You liberals are all alike; fiscally irresponsible and dedicated to bringing this country down with your socialist propaganda. Why not join us in making this country a better place for all people, except, of course, liberals. 
 
OR
 
Dear Mr. Jones:
 
As a dedicated conservative, I am sure that many of my beliefs are different than yours - yet some may be exactly the same. On at least one issue, I know we are both on the same page. We love this country and would do whatever it might take to make America even better for all. I suspect we have many things in common, including our views about national healthcare. Did you know that more than 40% of all liberals oppose national healthcare?
 
We respect and value your opinions and invite you to join us at... 
 

As conservatives, the time has come for us to decide how we wish to be perceived. "Hate-speak" has gotten us nowhere.
 
The Committee for Conservative Reform
 
 

 

 

 

 
Tags: Politics  
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Liberal Priorities - The Idolatry of Michael Jackson

 
     Special News Alert    
   
    Michael Jackson Still Dead
        By Aunt Libby

       Greetings, southpaws. I must say I’ve always loved lefties. They throw the same spin - easy to read and even easier to poke, especially now that they’re so preoccupied. Do you think we’ve heard enough about Michael Jackson’s death?

      I was 14 when JFK died; a bullet to the head sent the nation into mourning and I’ll never forget that walk home from school with John and Tommy. The three of us broke down and cried. We knew as much about politics as we did about ant farming, but it didn’t matter - we knew...yes, we knew deep down inside, in that place reserved for unfathomable grief, that we had lost much more than a president. We had lost a piece of ourselves and the beliefs (still not fully developed) that would guide us through the traumas and the triumphs of life.

      Maybe we were the last of an endangered species, because we knew the difference between fame and greatness. We understood the transparency of celebrity and the substance of conviction and courage. Back then, the media seemed to be on the same page. John Lennon’s death was mourned and dissected at dinner parties...nowhere near as much was said about Martin Luther King but a helluva lot more was felt and the pain - well, it had a life of its own.

      Michael Jackson was an extraordinary talent and it would have been good if that was the extent of his impact on society. His death was at best unfortunate...period. I am sickened by the idolatry. The liberal voice of America - the media, has placed him on a pedestal and they will keep him there until the revenues subside. I watch the worshippers on TV and I must clench hard or I will vomit. They say he was philanthropic. Is that because he shared his semen with 7 year-olds?

      In the months to come, I won’t be surprised to learn that his physician stands to gain from his patient’s death. I can see it in my mind’s eye.

      “...and being of sound mind and body, I bequeath the entirety of my estate to my loyal and trusted physician...”

      Jackson was as insane as they get. Does he deserve the ongoing grief, the inane celebration of his life and the simpering sensationalism fostered by a media collective devoid of values...the truth be damned? I shed no tears for this man/woman child. On June 6, 1973, I cried tears of joy when a racehorse named Secretariat briefly captured the emotions of a country in turmoil. That beautiful animal was God’s gift to a nation in need of a hero. Again we are a nation in turmoil. Is Michael Jackson’s memory comforting in any way at all? Hell no!

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The Googleization of America

 
    Things to Consider Before Signing Up
 
    Censorship: Don't even think you can criticize the Internet Giant. Now they have Intelius, arguably the most deceitful and fraudlent force on the net, watching every move you make. Conservatives - worried about creeping federalization? Well...your next best threat to democracy is Googleization. Yesterday I was slapped with an Intelius violation for my remarks about Google. If you want to know the whole story, Google Google. You will see a rather long list of class action suits, (one already settled for $90,000,000,000) and many pending - some for inflating user numbers to deceive advertisers. Is censorship really an issue? I have had at least ten e-mail messages blocked because they criticized Google. So this is the American way?
    Hijacked addresses: What better way to inflate user accounts than to steal an address and distribute it freely to bulk mailers. Mine was stolen months ago - Google responded by doing absolutely nothing. Oh...they do let you know when fraudulent "me to me" mail is received, but they deliver the mail anyway. Um...does that make them an accessory?
    Constant encouragement to open new accounts with different names: I wonder why.
    Online marijuana sales: The Googleites must be smoking up a storm - they have no problem delivering pot sales messages. Why not deliver the pot themselves and get rid of the middleman?
    Retaliation: Watch your back. They have the power to make you and your computer non-functional.
    Mandatory Google sign-in to your computer: If you don't cooperate, they will effectively shut you down.
 
    There is a new form of terrorism that threatens America. Remember - they said it would come from within. An amoral Internet giant can gain complete control of the Internet. I need not mention the possible consequences.
 
    Conservatives - don't limit your fight for democracy and freedom to squabbles with liberals. Your future is in
G-eapardy.
 
  
 
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