Space, the Final Frontier?
Let’s face it, earth is a crowded place these days. I don’t think that I’m stretching the point when I say that the deceased constitute the largest population on the planet; occupying real estate that we desperately need. Building communities on top of ancient burial grounds turns out to be an unpopular idea, thanks to one stupid movie. Consequently, entrepreneurs may provide a promising alternative - burial in space. Yes, it’s morbidly opportunistic, but there is money to be made in outer space and orbiting funeral parlors and mausoleums are definitely in our future. The concept is already gaining a large following, especially for those with enough money to rocket themselves or their deceased loved ones off to the rings of Saturn.
So...the Space Shuttle is not quite the dead issue (no pun intended)it was thought to be; actually, it has a rather bright future - simply substitute the NASA logos with something like Teddy’s Interplanetary Funerals and Cemetery and we have a new and highly profitable space program.
Absurd? Sure, but we know from experience that there are no limits to the lengths people will go to make money. With the reality of space colonization at our doorstep, the possibilities are fascinating. Think of it for a moment…hotels, casinos, fast food chains, floating rocket fuel stations; (Regular $198.95) even gravity free red light districts where anything is possible in every conceivable position. The off-world business opportunities are limitless. The best part? Gravity free and tax free are synonymous. The IRS is lost in space. This is subject to change, however. The government will not simply stand by and watch as galactic conglomerates reap huge profits in space. A source told me recently that the administration has a bill before Congress now that would federalize space from just outside earth’s atmosphere to Pluto, but I am wondering how that can be done when other countries will claim rights to an equal share. It is typical though, that America will attempt to cement its claim to all of outer space. After all, God created the universe, and as far as I know, he has always backed the red, white and blue. I can envision some heated controversy about this.
Realistically, there are just too many Gods involved, and who will decide which ones have a say in all of this? Even the evangelists will want something. An evangelical “biggie” could host enormous space congregations on Rigel 7, which does in fact exist. I know this because Captain James T. Kirk discovered it years ago, and cleaned out the Romulans in the process. We might encounter some problems with the Klingons, but surely we will bring freedom and democracy to the Klingon people, whether they want it or not.
Star wars may become an unavoidable reality, as countries that have been salivating to use nukes will find plenty of space to play with their “nookular” toys. This is the part that scares me; a vastly superior race is out there somewhere, and they are going to have a problem with all of this. They may like our cheeseburgers, but they won’t look the other way when we begin rocketing caskets into their atmosphere and poisoning their galaxy with industrial waste, space garbage, nuclear bombs and inter-galactic radioactive fallout. The long awaited contact with life that may exist light years away will finally arrive.
“You can keep your McDonalds and Home Depots…we like them, but get rid of those caskets and that nuclear $%#@ or we will turn you to dust.” Frightening, you say? I can envision our new president taking a hard stance, if for no other reason than to show the public that he’s as tough as they come.
“We will not allow space tyrants to tell us what to do. Evil will not be tolerated in any form, even if it has three heads and 18 fingers. By executive order, I have declared war with these space bullies, and with God on our side, we shall prevail.” Of course, Sarah Palin will have something to say as well.
“Ididn’t allow this kind of thing in Wasilla, and I won’t condone it now. Let’s get it done with and bomb the living #$@! out of them.”
We should be mindful about what we do in space. Our military might may not fare too well against a race that has the technology to send us light-mail messages. And in spite of everything we have done to our home, earth is still a very nice place. I would hate to see it obliterated because Sarah Palin has a big mouth. So…let’s stick with fast food; maybe a few McDonalds for now. A Starbucks might be okay too.
A Quarter Pounder is a clear gesture of good will. If we are going to reach out and touch someone, let’s give it to them their way. ª